Usually, I resort to spilling my guts on here when things get rough. I guess that part of me has quite changed. I’m not as dependent on social media as I used to be. Life proceeds regardless; you can’t spent your whole life in front of that glowing screen. I’m far too busy to stop what I’m doing and go straight to this website. I only write what I feel is necessary; it’s just sort of a record-keeping process that I haven’t totally given up on. (Boy, do I milk the semi-colons!)
I’m just going to address the title of this entry. Just when I think some things are comfortable and figured out, they go and change on me at the drop of a hat. It’s not that I expect to be complacent for long. Life isn’t complacent, and I’ve come to accept that……….. somewhat. I was happy with my apartment situation as of the last entry, but it appears that I was quite oblivious sadly.
Just to set the record straight about myself, I have these moments where I cannot commit 100% to anything and I work too much. I have gotten to a point in my life that my “home” should just be a resting place; it’s not this ridiculous thing that I should over-maintain. Granted, some things need to be focused on when I am home.
I believe I was oblivious and complacent with my *last* apartment. I have a hard time accepting that I’m calling it that. I have lived in so many places in this metropolis and moved so many times. I honestly thought this was the one in which I would remain for over a year. I think I have to stop predicting that because it never happens. (Yes, that is a pessimistic statement, but being confident that I would stay didn’t happen, so I’m just a realist).
Let’s get to the point.
I will try to avoid beating to death every single god damned issue that happened in that apartment. What ultimately happened was, at the exact end of February, I felt every issue was dumped on me that were somewhat mine and somewhat not. Nonetheless, they were affecting the dynamic of the living situation. It boiled down to a couple-changing dynamic. I truly have always felt this way, regardless of whether I’m portrayed as seeing “black and white”, it ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS happens. I think it’s a bit naive to say it can be worked on. A monogamous relationship is always a two person thing, and to involve a third party, who has clearly stated he’s not comfortable with that, is up to the couple’s discretion. I do know that I am fault for saying that I would cope with it, but ultimately, after months and months of it, (even before an *official* move in date – which is ALWAYS posthumous), I could truly not have my own corner. I don’t entirely blame it on the couple; I blame it on the unfortunate layout of the apartment. My bedroom door opened directly to the living room, and thusly, I felt my room was lacking a lot of privacy. It made me feel like I was open to scrutiny, which regardless of the room’s adjacency, I felt like I was wide open to being scrutinized anyway. Regardless of whether who is wrong or right in a situation, I can not live with feeling that way when I’m home. Home is the one place where I do not put on a facade, and if I feel like I have to do that, then I’m depressed. Overall, it created an uncomfortable and anxious stalemate for a month.
This is just to scrape the surface because I don’t particularly want to extrapolate on the nitty gritty.
My personality is a bit thorny. I know this quite well; I don’t really make an apology for it unless I feel it’s merited. It’s a bit of a clusterfuck for me because home is the one place I can feel that I can do what I want and be quite selfish. For as far back as I can remember, I have been forced to be a flexible, unselfish, helping, ambitious individual at work and school. I was expected to present this character of myself all the time. When I got home, it became me time, and if it didn’t, I would get depressed and go absolutely insane. If I have no time to selfish, I cannot filter myself and I come out looking like a clusterfuck. Introverts are sometimes looked upon as selfish, but they prioritize their quiet, isolated time too, which can unfortunately come off as selfish and withdrawn. It just cannot be helped, particularly if people have never encountered REAL eccentrics/introverts. This is my understanding of the word at least.
So point in point in point, I needed to move out for my own mental health. If I didn’t, I’d be miserable and complaining a lot more. I’m just writing this as some semblance of a closing nexus.
Thaaaaaaaaaaaat, and I wanted to point out that I have actually written on this website for 10 years. Sweet, sweet fucking Jesus am I getting old. If it gets to 20 years, I think I should simply save and print out all of my entries.
As for work, I am still at the same job. It’s not as bad as I think it is sometimes; it could be much worse. I have worked to get health insurance and some vacation time. As much as the clientele is not particularly the cream of the crop of humanity (though they would probably flaunt their wealth and status to refute my claim), I’ve put up with them for so long that it doesn’t personally bother me as much as it does entertain me.
It entertains me when someone fails to understand what a bankruptcy means and asserts their knowledge of the court system and corprorate responsibility. (Because a small chain purchasing a handful of store locations should be TOTALLY responsible for the debt of a 100+ chain corporation).
It entertains me when people break down and cry over an order not being completed due to their OWN FAILURE to communicate the full needs of their order. It’s not so much the lack of communication, but their frustration and impatience that the problem can be fixed very easily without their emotional stress. It’s that their priorities are so skewed that they have an emotional response to something that is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. They could be equally upset about someone dying instead, but they’re far more invested in themselves that this insignificant problem is UPSETTING THEM.
It entertains me when people claim they are a “luddite” because they are too lazy to invest any time in addressing their own technological shortcomings. They could learn to do computerized tasks themselves, but they are too lazy. Au contraire, if they were such a “luddite”, they would smash their iPhones against the floor because they simply disagree with the dependency on technology. They are no such “luddite”.
Anyway, I’d like to get back to my original point.
I am in a place that I need to be in. I need to be low maintenance and without too many luxuries. If I have my own room, a computer, or even a book, that’s all I need. I don’t need a shared living quarters. It has always led me to social situations that make me feel friction if I’m simply not in a good enough mood. Call it anti-social, but I find it necessary to at least be able to separate and withdraw when you are not in the greatest mood. I’m not a person that can put up a civil facade; I’m far to indiscrete and expressive.
It also allows me to pursue my individual goals of painting, freelancing, and simple expression. As far as expression is concerned, I’m referring to dating and sex. This is my most sexually active year, by far, and I’d like to able to healthily explore it.
This is probably my longest entry in the last four to five years, but it’s about fucking time. (Pun intended).
I moved in with someone who is seemingly involved in her career and doesn’t really seem to need to talk to me every evening. If we just need to discuss the important things, then so be it. It doesn’t have to be a social gathering every night, and I’m grateful for it. Alternately, it doesn’t mean that I can’t have a conversation.
What I just want to say is: I feel like I’m living again.
Outside of drama, it’s been a fun time. I got to see Kaythi after a very, very long time, (yes, this is a shout out). I have made good friends at work. The staff is small and tight knit, so it’s quite necessary. I have met quite a many group of new people, and I continue to do so. My family is quite well as time progresses on.
The one thing that I hope to work on more than anything is getting in touch with people that I fell out of touch with. I realize, now, that there are tens, maybe hundreds of people that facebook has made impossible to have real friendships with. The website deludes people into thinking that you can stay in touch. I left the website for six months, only to realize that it amplifies the isolation. It’s really how you use it, I suppose.
I think I am a little tired of writing, but I really needed to get all of these bottled thoughts out of my brain. I guess it truly is for clarity and closure.
I suppose I won’t be on here for another good month or two, or six, or eight…
Take care for now, (whoever still reads this). Despite the commenting system, I do have an intuition that tells me that whoever or others may read this eventually. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. My intentions are pure and only to get my feelings out of the way.