November 5, 2013

  • The last post. 10 years and over.

    Hi Xanga. I am quite happy that I made 10 years on this blog. It was a cute way to discuss my inner monologues, feelings, emotions, and life events. Towards the end, I had to touch base more because I wasn’t on here every single week.

    After helping my mother save her XML information (a.k.a. years of diary writing) and reading what “Xanga 2.0″ entails. I have decided that it might not be in my best interest to continue writing a journal or diary out in the open on the internet. I have had several incidents where people discovered information that I had written about them. It was mostly humorous and absurd, but there was one occasion a former friend was offended and probably hurt. It’s not so much that I cared whether they were hurt, but it resulted in an UNFORGETTABLE email response that I did not even entertain the thought of replying. They felt entitled to an explanation that they were not owed, when several apologies over verbal and emotional abuse were owed to me. Why do I owe the favor?

    I digress, upon reading about this new version of Xanga, I simply see it as a way for Xanga to purge its database of outdated and “defunct” information from what they would consider “freeloading users”. Though I chose to pay for a lifetime membership because I understood, as a web designer, the costs to maintain such an ambitious database for free, I don’t agree with this method of purge. These people, albeit they don’t write much any more, will be hurt when they find out their XML information was temporary. They probably won’t know how to access nor will they try; they will feel defeated.

    The reason for my last post is because despite the fact that I have paid for a lifetime membership, it results in a “Corporation always wins/covers its ass” methodology. It is only “honored” because as a corporation they have to continue making money to stay around. “Honored”, until the decide that it is “no longer honored”. I will have to pay again eventually to continue writing on something that NO ONE BUT MY MOTHER STILL USED. The blog is not even the way I had originally designed it to look. Why bother when I am a web designer?

    The other reason this is my final post is because, as I’ve stated, it is clearly a bad idea to keep my personal writings floating out in the internet for god only knows who can read. I’m not talking just about strangers.

    I will most likely switch to typing out entries on the computer or, the old fashioned way, HANDWRITING THEM.

    I will save my XML data and deal with organizing my past later.

    Good luck Xanga! The last 10 years were fun!

October 22, 2013

  • intuition

    This is funny, but it isn’t funny.

    Back in August, I mentioned a “tell tale sign”. That involved a manager getting laid off. Since that point, rentals stopped, management became completely lackluster, and a real estate agent showed up. Said agent decided to tell me and another coworker that our store was listed on a website.

    These were obvious signs of a store closing or relocating. Thus, I decided to act swiftly and find a different job, which I did. I am very satisfied with myself. I am now working in the neighborhood that I reside, which is not quite common as it should be in this city. I have been very satisfied with myself for a month. I was cautious and intuitive, and it paid off.

    Guess what I found out today? The store I’m planning on leaving is closing on Friday. It finally happened. My suspicions were confirmed. It is a great thing that I did what I did. I have no guilt; I have no remorse; I have no regrets.

October 6, 2013

  • I’m not entirely sure that I like what Xanga did, but I will do another post. I may just, er, stop–I don’t know–I already saved this huge XML file. I at least have my posts saved. I believe that I should convert it somehow, and just record my life in a more private way. In other words, I shouldn’t have this out there on the internet any more, maybe?

    Well, just one more then.

    I made a point to my good friend and coworker today. Working at my current job has felt like Stockholm Syndrome for the last two years. I feel that I need it to survive and pay rent. It makes me feel like I’m a hostage to my own back account.

    I finally found a different, well rather similar job in my neighborhood. I’ve already worked in the beer/beverage industry, and it seems I will again. My other job has made me feel miserable for a very long time. The reason I’m recording this is not because that’s a big life changing thing, I suppose. It’s more of a reminder to myself that I don’t have to fall victim to this sort of thing, even if I’m incredibly poor. I will make due.

    It was my point to come here and mention something that happened in the last day or two. I gave my notice to proclaim that I could consider remaining part-time, but I plan on leaving as of the 14th. The response I get wasn’t just lackluster; there was really no response to it whatsoever. It makes me understand the ritual nihilistic behavior of that type of occupation. My letter was skimmed, and I believe my boss didn’t actually comprehend what I said at all. The letter was clean, cut, and clear as day, but it hasn’t sunk in yet.

    All it’s made me feel is robbed of nostalgia. It has made me feel that I was never truly wanted or needed in that environment. I have freed myself of being abused. I took what I needed, for as long as I wanted, and I am running now.

    Most of all, I will truly not miss that clientele and its ideology: to be blissfully ignorant and wealthy enough to the point that you can’t fend or think for yourself. To think otherwise is out of line with their system, and you are an affront to their humanity and being. It’s a delusional justification so you are not ashamed to be a detriment on the world and people’s happiness.

    I know I will be much happier, even if I am poor. Siddartha has taught me such about finding personal meaning, not that I need to bring a novel into something as insignificant as changing a career. Small moves…

August 20, 2013

  • idiots

    Why do people have such difficulty with using, reading, hearing, and COMPREHENDING words?

    Ring ring.
    “Thank you for calling C*rdinal. How can I help you?”
    “Who is this?”
    “You have called C*rdinal.”
    “No, this is C*rdinal. We have replaced R*tz. We are the same store.”
    “Ohh…… -click-”

    While still taking that call, other phone line goes ring ring.
    “Thank you for calling C*rdinal. How can I help you?”
    “Is this R*tz. No we are C*rdinal now.”
    “Oh. When do you close tonight?”
    “Oh, well on the website it says 8.” (She’s referring to the R*tz google listing that says it is a CLOSED or RELOCATED business, I guarantee it). “Do you have the machines that make the books still?”
    “No, we do not have the Cewe machines that are in front of the store.”
    “Ummmm. So how do you make books then?”
    “Which machines are you inquiring about?” (Please be less vague).
    “The ones where you make it yourself. The ones you had when I was there in 2009.”
    “Are you referring to the ordering KIOSKS? Then, yes we do.”
    “Oh, ok, great.”

    “Hi. I need you to check if I left my computer there. It’s very important. I will be down in two minutes.”
    “None of the associates reported a computer here.”
    “That’s ok, I’ll be right over to check -click-.”
    (One minute later)
    “Hi. Did you find it. I left it in the front.”
    “No. I looked around and didn’t see a computer. Well can you call ____? He’s the one that said it was here.”
    “I don’t have his phone number, so I will have to call my manager to get it.”
    “Ok. Call me when you get through.”
    (Five minutes later)
    Ring ring.
    “Hi. I found it. It’s in my home. Thank you for your courtesy.”
    “No problem……….”

August 17, 2013

  • follow up / checklist to last entry

    I feel like following up to the last post. I went ahead and got the new computer; it was well worth it. I don’t have problems, and I can do work on it again. Before, I felt as if it was pointless to do work on an unreliable machine. Who needs to work on a project that risks not being saved? Very happy with this new computer.

    Dating situation? Maybe I’m not so focused on it, once again. I’d prefer not to be as of this moment anyway. The people I’m interested in don’t appear to be totally interested back; that may change. Whatever. Eye roll.

    Work? It might be too soon to tell. The manager that got hired got laid off already. Maybe that’s all that needs to be said about that. I’m still not satisfied with the job, and now, I’m expecting the worst because of that tell tale sign.

    I returned from a five day vacation down to Florida. Friends and I went to Disney for a couple of days. I will truly hold onto these memories outside of the amusement parks. It was absolutely relaxing and necessary. I feel like I’ve been gone for about a month. It’s weird to get my city bearings back. Leaving the city made me feel particularly different though. I feel a little more laid back from it; I feel less anxiety about having to work. Maybe that’s all it took.

    I am tired. I’ll probably turn in early and get an earlier start tomorrow.

July 1, 2013

  • getting soooo close . . .

    A bunch of happenstantial things are happening. It’s not that I believe in things like Astrology, but I definitely believe there is a universal energy that interacts with itself – a kind of philosophical and physical cause and effect system. Things do happen for reasons, and I suppose you could attribute your own reasons later on. Things always work out. I do and don’t beg a mythical sky god for help; when I do that, it’s mostly the universe in some incarnation of my own inner dialogue.

    Enough with the vague nonsense and my own psychobabble. It all has almost been comically stressful, now that I am looking back.

    The universe has been giving me signs about where my life is pointing, and I am listening, hopefully to the correct signs.

    I have rekindled old friendships; I have realized that sometimes new ones aren’t working out. Past experience has taught me that fast/new friends are rather hard to come by. Most of those friends wind up needing constant energy, which I can’t feed. Getting back to my point, my friend/neighbor and I have rekindled our friendship after many, many years. It feels fantastic and synchronous.

    An old employer/manager from a former company has joined the new company. This is someone that I felt did not fight for me, while demanding all of my energy. It’s quite upsetting to see that the more things were supposed to change, people will be stubborn and retread their own mistaken path. This is a sign that has caused quite the reflex in me. I went job hunting for quite a long time, and it just m-i-g-h-t pay off. I know the universe is leading me out of this job soon, and I will be patient, careful, confident, and eager.

    My sister found a kitten, and it was almost mine! We returned it to its rightful home, but if things go right in my life, I will be adopting a cat. I plan on it now.

    Old (well still recent) flames have shown their interest, I think. It has motivated me not to give up hope. I will find that man one day. (Cue: Daft Punk – Get Lucky).

    My current computer is not functioning in this heat and humidity. It is a sign that I need a new computer, and I will be getting one shortly. With the new computer, I will renew making my videos, and hopefully in a better quality. They have been suffering and sparse; that has to change. With art in mind, there is an alumni show of art in the coming year. I will be painting something for it, and I will be painting anyway.

    I am being positive; I am moving away from the negative now. If it is negative, I will accept it and not let it stop me.

June 12, 2013

  • employment troubles

    So for the last, oh, year that I’ve been working at my job, I’ve been quite hot and bothered. I can’t turn off my mind at the moment… my brain keeps buzzing. Hot and bothered doesn’t begin to describe it. Our staff has been cut in half since we’ve become a nnneeewww company. I absolutely cannot stand the clientele. My workload has been impossible, and I am no longer doing what I have originally been hired to do. I was doing more visual work; now, I am doing everything from visual, technical, POS, imaging, sales, and essentially assistant managerial work.

    What do I have to show for it? A fucking dollar raise and benefits, which only happened because the former company went kaput.

    The reason… that it did not happen… was recently hired to work at the new company.

    I do not agree.
    I do not comply.
    I do not care any more.

    Even a week before this happened, everything that was bottled up finally came out. I declared that I was done and over it last week to my coworkers. Then, that smack in the face occurred to add icing to the shit cake. I am unofficially over it until I am sure that I can leave this job, then it will be official.

    My brain is buzzing because I sent out an email to a place that is seemingly well reviewed and positive sounding. It is only part-time, but I could possibly do 2 part-time jobs that pay better than this one. It will pay better, and I can possibly afford my own (and better) insurance. I worked to get insurance, but it’s not so good in hindsight.

    I just have not been happy with this job for close to a year. I wasn’t getting paid well the year before, and now, I’m doing more work than what I am compensated. It is not a nice trade off. There are other jobs out there that will pay me better.

    I am overqualified, and I am not going to let anyone or anything make me feel I am not worth it.



    :| :)

May 22, 2013

  • There were three dreams I had back-to-back-to-back now.

    First one was skinny dipping in a pool. When I realized there were people watching, I put on a suit/speedo. Rather strange dream, but I guess because summer’s coming up? And I totes want a summer bod? Yeah, sure. Haha.

    Second one was that I was at my parent’s home (the way it was 10 years ago), and there was a tornado. The carpeting curled up and I was trying to avoid being swallowed by the roll of carpet. (LOL).

    Third one was just now. This is probably the second or third Bjork dream I had, but it wasn’t necessarily about her. She was in some kind of colorful children’s movie/adventure. She was a tiny person about three inches tall, and she was the mother of the family. All I remember was her family trying to climb into the lowest part of a truck (a la The Adventurers Down Under), so they could travel somewhere.

    That’s it. Just had to record them for other purposes, like painting.

May 12, 2013

  • i have not foresaken this thing yet

    As soon as I addressed the last issue, facebook isolationism, it boomeranged back around to a good point. A couple of good friends have gotten in touch with me via that website, and I couldn’t be happier. Sometimes, I should just remind myself that it is a social tool rather than a huge invasion of privacy. It’s only what you make of it.

    I’m restoring my social life with old/current friends again. As much fun as it is to make new friends, it’s not what I’m committed to any more. I’ve made new friends for the last three years, and I wound up being attached to my coworkers/friends. As for outside of work, I sometimes wonder if it’s meaningful to make those friends. It’s hard in a big city, at least.

    Well, I didn’t really have much of a point to this post. I was trying to explore some kind of perspective.

    I guess I usually come here to bitch and moan, but maybe this time I’m writing elation at the thought of the future.

    I’m constantly trying to improve my life and/or relax, rather than work all the time and appease others. I’m trying to make myself happy again, and I think a bit more positive thinking has helped.

    Small things remind me that others will try to make you miserable. Others will try to pull you into their life and make you do things you don’t want to do. When they realize that you’re not interested, they call you selfish, but they are simply ignoring their shortcomings. I was at the post office in my work neighborhood, and the level of negativity of the people there was outstanding. Everyone was freaking out over mundane things and over their own impatience. I pitied them and the workers there, and at least the workers appreciated that I recognized that I would rather work with them rather than against them. I wish people would understand that life is too short for that.
    Just as well, I’ve noticed other public displays of negativity. I just don’t think it’s necessary any more. In fact, I learned to be amused by it a long time ago. So I’ve chosen not to get personally offended by it. Perhaps someone in the world will recognize my ability to cope and be able to open a door for me, both figuratively and literally.

    I guess that’s the trick.

    I went home for the weekend to see my parents. It was delightful to simply get away from it all. I missed them.

    I’ve also decided to write, paint, and do more to keep myself occupied and happy. I like my routine for the moment.

    Let’s keep it going.

April 10, 2013

  • and things have changed again

    Usually, I resort to spilling my guts on here when things get rough. I guess that part of me has quite changed. I’m not as dependent on social media as I used to be. Life proceeds regardless; you can’t spent your whole life in front of that glowing screen. I’m far too busy to stop what I’m doing and go straight to this website. I only write what I feel is necessary; it’s just sort of a record-keeping process that I haven’t totally given up on. (Boy, do I milk the semi-colons!)

    I’m just going to address the title of this entry. Just when I think some things are comfortable and figured out, they go and change on me at the drop of a hat. It’s not that I expect to be complacent for long. Life isn’t complacent, and I’ve come to accept that……….. somewhat. I was happy with my apartment situation as of the last entry, but it appears that I was quite oblivious sadly.

    Just to set the record straight about myself, I have these moments where I cannot commit 100% to anything and I work too much. I have gotten to a point in my life that my “home” should just be a resting place; it’s not this ridiculous thing that I should over-maintain. Granted, some things need to be focused on when I am home.

    I believe I was oblivious and complacent with my *last* apartment. I have a hard time accepting that I’m calling it that. I have lived in so many places in this metropolis and moved so many times. I honestly thought this was the one in which I would remain for over a year. I think I have to stop predicting that because it never happens. (Yes, that is a pessimistic statement, but being confident that I would stay didn’t happen, so I’m just a realist).

    Let’s get to the point.

    I will try to avoid beating to death every single god damned issue that happened in that apartment. What ultimately happened was, at the exact end of February, I felt every issue was dumped on me that were somewhat mine and somewhat not. Nonetheless, they were affecting the dynamic of the living situation. It boiled down to a couple-changing dynamic. I truly have always felt this way, regardless of whether I’m portrayed as seeing “black and white”, it ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS happens. I think it’s a bit naive to say it can be worked on. A monogamous relationship is always a two person thing, and to involve a third party, who has clearly stated he’s not comfortable with that, is up to the couple’s discretion. I do know that I am fault for saying that I would cope with it, but ultimately, after months and months of it, (even before an *official* move in date – which is ALWAYS posthumous), I could truly not have my own corner. I don’t entirely blame it on the couple; I blame it on the unfortunate layout of the apartment. My bedroom door opened directly to the living room, and thusly, I felt my room was lacking a lot of privacy. It made me feel like I was open to scrutiny, which regardless of the room’s adjacency, I felt like I was wide open to being scrutinized anyway. Regardless of whether who is wrong or right in a situation, I can not live with feeling that way when I’m home. Home is the one place where I do not put on a facade, and if I feel like I have to do that, then I’m depressed. Overall, it created an uncomfortable and anxious stalemate for a month.

    This is just to scrape the surface because I don’t particularly want to extrapolate on the nitty gritty.

    My personality is a bit thorny. I know this quite well; I don’t really make an apology for it unless I feel it’s merited. It’s a bit of a clusterfuck for me because home is the one place I can feel that I can do what I want and be quite selfish. For as far back as I can remember, I have been forced to be a flexible, unselfish, helping, ambitious individual at work and school. I was expected to present this character of myself all the time. When I got home, it became me time, and if it didn’t, I would get depressed and go absolutely insane. If I have no time to selfish, I cannot filter myself and I come out looking like a clusterfuck. Introverts are sometimes looked upon as selfish, but they prioritize their quiet, isolated time too, which can unfortunately come off as selfish and withdrawn. It just cannot be helped, particularly if people have never encountered REAL eccentrics/introverts. This is my understanding of the word at least.

    So point in point in point, I needed to move out for my own mental health. If I didn’t, I’d be miserable and complaining a lot more. I’m just writing this as some semblance of a closing nexus.

    Thaaaaaaaaaaaat, and I wanted to point out that I have actually written on this website for 10 years. Sweet, sweet fucking Jesus am I getting old. If it gets to 20 years, I think I should simply save and print out all of my entries.

    As for work, I am still at the same job. It’s not as bad as I think it is sometimes; it could be much worse. I have worked to get health insurance and some vacation time. As much as the clientele is not particularly the cream of the crop of humanity (though they would probably flaunt their wealth and status to refute my claim), I’ve put up with them for so long that it doesn’t personally bother me as much as it does entertain me.

    It entertains me when someone fails to understand what a bankruptcy means and asserts their knowledge of the court system and corprorate responsibility. (Because a small chain purchasing a handful of store locations should be TOTALLY responsible for the debt of a 100+ chain corporation).

    It entertains me when people break down and cry over an order not being completed due to their OWN FAILURE to communicate the full needs of their order. It’s not so much the lack of communication, but their frustration and impatience that the problem can be fixed very easily without their emotional stress. It’s that their priorities are so skewed that they have an emotional response to something that is meaningless in the grand scheme of things. They could be equally upset about someone dying instead, but they’re far more invested in themselves that this insignificant problem is UPSETTING THEM.

    It entertains me when people claim they are a “luddite” because they are too lazy to invest any time in addressing their own technological shortcomings. They could learn to do computerized tasks themselves, but they are too lazy. Au contraire, if they were such a “luddite”, they would smash their iPhones against the floor because they simply disagree with the dependency on technology. They are no such “luddite”.

    Anyway, I’d like to get back to my original point.

    I am in a place that I need to be in. I need to be low maintenance and without too many luxuries. If I have my own room, a computer, or even a book, that’s all I need. I don’t need a shared living quarters. It has always led me to social situations that make me feel friction if I’m simply not in a good enough mood. Call it anti-social, but I find it necessary to at least be able to separate and withdraw when you are not in the greatest mood. I’m not a person that can put up a civil facade; I’m far to indiscrete and expressive.

    It also allows me to pursue my individual goals of painting, freelancing, and simple expression. As far as expression is concerned, I’m referring to dating and sex. This is my most sexually active year, by far, and I’d like to able to healthily explore it.

    This is probably my longest entry in the last four to five years, but it’s about fucking time. (Pun intended).

    I moved in with someone who is seemingly involved in her career and doesn’t really seem to need to talk to me every evening. If we just need to discuss the important things, then so be it. It doesn’t have to be a social gathering every night, and I’m grateful for it. Alternately, it doesn’t mean that I can’t have a conversation.

    What I just want to say is: I feel like I’m living again.

    Outside of drama, it’s been a fun time. I got to see Kaythi after a very, very long time, (yes, this is a shout out). I have made good friends at work. The staff is small and tight knit, so it’s quite necessary. I have met quite a many group of new people, and I continue to do so. My family is quite well as time progresses on.

    The one thing that I hope to work on more than anything is getting in touch with people that I fell out of touch with. I realize, now, that there are tens, maybe hundreds of people that facebook has made impossible to have real friendships with. The website deludes people into thinking that you can stay in touch. I left the website for six months, only to realize that it amplifies the isolation. It’s really how you use it, I suppose.


    I think I am a little tired of writing, but I really needed to get all of these bottled thoughts out of my brain. I guess it truly is for clarity and closure.
    I suppose I won’t be on here for another good month or two, or six, or eight…

    Take care for now, (whoever still reads this). Despite the commenting system, I do have an intuition that tells me that whoever or others may read this eventually. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. My intentions are pure and only to get my feelings out of the way.